20. Wowed by IE 9 for Windows, and to tick off shared rival Google, Apple abandons Safari in exchange for promised browser development by Microsoft.
19. Apple products deemed security risk to carry on planes by TSA, must be placed with checked baggage for all flights.
18. Apple abandons USB and 802.11 and forges their own standards body, reporting to themselves.
17. Apple actually acquires Facebook for $40 billion. Mark Zuckerberg said to ascend to CEO position by 2012.
16. John Gruber of Daring Fireball is to be added to the company's board of directors.
15. MobileMe to be replaced by a new messaging system built on Apple's social network, Ping, accessible only through iTunes.
14. Riding a wave of over-confidence, thanks to the recent string of successes, Steve Jobs reintroduces the G4 Cube, the Dalmatian and Tutti Frutti iMacs, and yes, the hockey puck mouse.
13. During a company board meeting, Al Gore asserts that he did, indeed, invent the Internet. The other board members, swayed by his amazing charisma, agree Apple will backpay Gore royalties for each machine, dating back to the early 1990s, which had Web connectivity.
12. International trade strife between China and the United States flares up, and Apple's subcontractors discontinue making new iPhones, Macs, iPads, and more. Suicides actually increase.
11. After so many MacBook Air owners realize their hinges break shortly after their warranty expires, a class-action suit bankrupts the company.
10. HP bundles next generation Palm devices with every desktop, laptop and server sold. Palm becomes new mobile standard.
9. Windows Phone 7 is Really Really Really Good. No wait, Really.
8. Apple retail store insulation found to contain asbestos. Even worse, Steve Jobs demanded it be included.
7. Adobe copyrights the word Flash and extends the word to contain all Flash drives. A settlement mandates all flash drives come preinstalled with Flash.
6. With the introduction of Microsoft Office 2011 for Mac, Outlook becomes the standard Mac client and Apple Mail is retired.
5. Entertainment industry colludes to deny Apple access to music and films on iTunes store. Only Disney/Pixar and indy offerings left.
4. Tim Cook leaves Apple to take the CEO position at Dell.
3. SCO rolls back to life, and somehow obtains an injunction against Apple's Mac OS X, due to its UNIX underpinnings, stopping all Mac sales.
2. AT&T announces contract to extend iPhone network exclusivity through the end of the decade.
1. News breaks that Steve Jobs actually perished during liver surgery in Tennessee in 2009. What you have seen in the last year-plus has been a zombie.